I'm not sure how to begin. I stand with hands covering my eyes...my own hands blocking the light from my retinas. Of course I can't see anything, and that's why I'm not moving. Running into hard brick walls that leave indentures on my skin would make more sense. At least then I'd know where not to go.
Maybe I'm too inexperienced with life. I thought I knew a lot and that I was creme de la crop, like so many people like to say. They call me smart, but now that word seems like an insult. If I'm so smart, then am I holding my eyes shut? If I'm so smart, why do I feel like I'm failing?
I can't exactly describe this feeling. It's a combination of depression, loneliness, and insecurity. There's even a hint of exhaustion, too. Something tells me I'll never solve this problem unless I move. I have to move. Demons cry from above. "Worthless." "Future Unemployment." "Inexperienced." "Lazy." A bubble of self-confidence keeps the monsters away, but they're growing closer as my light shrinks. With each moment of non-movement, they zone in on me more easily. If I took just one step in some direction, it'd throw them off my scent. I have to move.
Moving in any direction is better than none. Sure, I could stand there and listen to the hollering of demons as they fly closer. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and not realize how deep in the ground you actually are. But something about those demons makes me shiver. I feel that their world is a place of pain and a place of stagment. I don't want that. I want to grow.
No one ever taught me how to write great resumes or how to secure an internship, but to succeed in the future job market and possibly life, I know I need those experiences. It doesn't matter if I end up stuck behind bricks. People invented sludge hammers for a reason. There are secret paths and even open walkways around these obstacles. It's time to remove my hands and let the light shine so I can focus on where I'm going. Yes, there are walls of uncertainty, money, and rejection all around me, but at the same time, so are tools surrounding these walls. I can overcome them. I can overcome my fears not immediately but in steps, one by one, slowly savoring each piece of knowledge to be gained by trying. I may be insecure about my future and my choices, but the least I can do is find a way to make it mine.